Warehouse Worker! understands and accepts the factious nature of human beings in that people of a certain makeup would support policies beneficial to them and those of similar genetics and/or behaviors. Most things make sense, when you think about them.
This manifests itself politically in the observable Left-Right divide in America today. People ready, willing, and able to function as individuals generally seek greater degrees of independence to enjoy life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. People who are dim or lazy are generally drawn to collectivist policies.
Which brings us now to exceptions. America’s black population has chronicly low achievement in most any metric outside of athletic performance, and a correspondingly low group income. But there are black spokesmen who are opposed to collectivist public policy. Why is this? Warehouse Worker! believes that the answer is money, in one form or another.
Talented people are a different stripe and while most naturally support greater degrees of human freedom, some support collectivist policies, but in this case often for different reasons. Warehouse Worker! believes that while the majority of talented collectivists are in it for the simple hard cash, others truly have altruistic hearts and are advocating collectivist positions for reasons of altruism.
So now we turn our attention to one of our favorite talented collectivists, John Cole of the web-site Balloon Juice. John is hard to judge. So Warehouse Worker!, sparing no expense, travelled to West Virginia and then around the country to find and interview John’s mom to try and ascertain the ideological underpinnings of this man. We finally tracked her down in Mississippi. What we found was not what we expected…
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Meet John’s mom ...Lawarja:
Warehouse Worker!: Thank you for taking the time to provide our readership with your insights into John Cole, proprietor of the web-site Balloon Juice. Many of us are curious about what influenced John in his youth to pursue his current line of work. Are there any insights you could share?
Larwarja:
John was born a poor black child. Hes has always been a good boy, a very good boy, but as he grew, weese began to see that he was not like the others. Ones thing weese began to see was that John didn’t move aroun’ like his brother Larmondo. So weesed feed John some extra Twinkees, jus to sees ifs that migh makes John move and jump. But it dint work. Nothin would make John move and jump like Larmondo. So wes were alls sad about dat.
John's brother Larmondo
Warehouse Worker!: One characteristic of the Balloon Juice web-site is its dedication to food. Did you see any early evidence of John’s innate talent in this area?
Larwarja:
Ones thing weese very happy about John is that’s he is a good eater. Whiles Larmondo been runnin’ aroun in back, chasin’ cats and shit, John would be cookin’ with sister Shequisha. John be real good in the kitchen, and when he made the grits, there were always plenty of oils. But there was this one time and sister Shequisha had the shits, and John was in the kitchen all bys himself, and hes started on about mustard an tasty lettuce. This is whens we really started to worry about him. Brother Lamar says ‘shut the fuck up John and fetch mes a jar of mayonnaise’. And weese all thought this was real good and was jus rollin’ on the floor.
John's Sister Sequisha
Brother 'Mayo' Lamar
Warehouse Worker!: Tell us about John’s father and the influence he has had on John’s development.
Larwarja:
One of the most confusin’ things around here is Father’s Day and with John dis is something really funny. I yoosed to think that John’s daddy was Lemont, cause these two have similar breath. But Lemont he done limp aroun’ in a particular way quickly, and, as John was growin’ up, he didn move much at all, let alone limp like Lemont. Sos I really think that John’s daddy might be Demarch. This would explain John’s problems with gas.
John Cole's alleged Father initially declined to be photographed for our expose.
Warehouse Worker!: Thank you for your time Larwarja. You have given our readership fine perspective on John. Best of luck in all your endeavors.
Disclaimer: Warehouse Worker! has no evidence that any of this is true.
A photograph of Emily Guendelsberger 
