Confrontation!

Warehouse Worker! now analyzes two confrontations. The first is Emily Guendelsberger and 8 friends versus 40 or 50 unarmed yooth in the streets of Philadelphia. Emily is an Oberlin graduate and an editor at The Onion. She is a full fledged SWPL, dating an Asian man. Let the Confrontation begin!

A photograph of Emily Guendelsberger

Opening round: Yooth approach largest SWPL male in Emily’s group (the ‘Alpha’) and strike him in the head. Emily explains what happened next: "That friend, showing kind of amazing restraint, looked very pissed but managed not to swing back; he just turned around and started walking away."

Second round: Emily again explains "And this surge of boys [ed: Watch it Emily] came running after us. They clearly didn’t want to rob us; they wanted to beat up the men in our group."

Third round: The yooth, having dispatched the SWPL males, turned on Emily, punching her in the face and breaking her leg. Confrontation ends as non-SWPL police show up. It is impossible to follow-up on our speculation that Emily might have ended up with many new boyfriends in the absence of said non-SWPL police intervention.

Recovering in the hospital, Emily reminisces on the events: “I’ve heard a lot of armchair quarterbacking about what we should have done, especially from people who are into concealed-carry and Bernie Goetz... Suggesting that shooting a gun into a crowd of crazed, violent teenagers would have somehow made them less crazed or violent I think means that you are drawing on imagination rather than memory. Just let me assure you: I was there. It wouldn’t have been a good scene.”

Fine Emily, thanks for playing ‘Confrontation’.
…

Now we proceed to our next Confrontation, this time between five heavily armed yooths and a single unarmed chimpanzee. As a full video has survived of the incident, there is no need for further narration on the part of Warehouse Worker!, enjoy and make your own judgments about Emily's conclusions.